Couples without sex life

26 May Couples without sex life

Today we are going to talk about couples who do not have a sex life.

There are many reasons why couples may not have sex; for instance, partners might be going through:

•  a deep depression
•  a painful loss
•  Stress due to work or family circumstances
•  the uncomfortable symptoms of menopause
•  lack of arousal in men

These are momentary struggles that can happen to any couple. They have a certain duration in time and then little by little as the partner overcomes the problem or finds a solution, the sexual activity is resumed.

¿When do couples with sexual problems look for help?

There are couples in which one of the members wants to have sex and the other does not, and the situation becomes chronic. And here, we are dealing with lack of sexual desire. But, is this a symptom of the couple or a symptom of one of the partners?

Couples generally come to therapy when this happens, when one of them wants and the other doesn’t. Because when the two of them do not want to have sex, there is an agreement and when both want, but not with each other, they separate or look for alternatives. The problem arises for couples when there is a constant argument about what happens in bed, or rather, what does not happen. 

¿Men and women have a different approach to sex.

It is necessary to understand that men and women or rather a person in a masculine position and a person in a feminine position have different ways of relating to sexuality. Women usually need more foreplay. For a woman is important that her partner pays attention to her, she needs to feel the closeness and the connection with her partner. On the other hand, those in a male position do not need so many detours or preambles generally.

These different approaches, create some difficulties when reconciling what a woman wants and what a man wants, especially if a man does not know, does not want or feel that following all these detours that a woman needs to access desire, threatens his ego or machismo. It might happen that a man has the fantasy that his partner is too demanding and that he will not be able to satisfy her no matter what. However, when a man is willing to follow the seduction game that a woman needs to access sexual desire, both win.  Intimacy and sexual encounters become less complicated, more frequent and pleasurable.

Click here to know how couple therapy can help you.

Some women refuse to have sex with their partners because they go too fast; therefore, these women do not get excited. Some other women, feel that their partners are only looking for sex per se, these women do not feel wanted or desired by their men. Feeling desired and having sex are two different things. The staging that the woman proposes, the seduction game, is related to this need to feel desired by her partner. A woman needs to feel she is beautiful, sexy and looked on with desire by her partner. It is not enough sometimes to be seen as a good mother or good housewife or wife. It is also important to keep in mind that when a couple are going through problems or conflicts, the sexual area also suffers.

There are people who have difficulties combining desire with love. This issue is complex and requires professional help since it will be necessary to work on bringing together these two streams, the love stream and the sexual stream.

It happens frequently that when women have children it is difficult for men to continue seeing them as women and they can only see them as mothers; This brings difficulties when it comes to sex. It might also happen that a man needs a woman to behave in a certain way in order to be aroused.

It is also common that some women stop desiring when they have a child. This child completes them and there is no place or space for their partner or even some other interests. When a woman becomes only a “mother”, the intimacy of the couple is lost. 

¿What could help to improve sex in couples?

What could help to improve these situations? First, it is necessary to differentiate as to whether professional help is needed or not. In many cases a couples therapist is essential to help partners improve or solve their struggles, especially if partners have been trying to work out issues by themselves for a while without success. In some other cases, couples might be able to communicate honestly and talk about what each one needs or wants, what is exciting and what is not in the bed and outside it. Patience will be necessary since changes won’t happen overnight.

When conversations do not come to fruition or something cannot be changed, it is a sign that shows that couples therapy is needed. Couple counseling sessions will have to focus on analyzing the dynamic of the couple, the emotional needs and the position that each partner has with respect to sex, Jouissance and the Other.

Well, I hope this episode was useful to many of you. This topic is wide and extensive. I will continue discussing it with you in the future. Have an excellent week.

This may interest you: About couple therapy consultations.