08 Oct Relationship Anxiety and Self-Worth
Lack of self- worth as cause of relationship Anxiety
In many cases, relationship anxiety is related to lack of self-worth. Not trusting in ourselves, lacking confidence and body image issues create all kind of complications in relationships from jealousy to avoidance. When relationship anxiety is too high, it turns out to be unmanageable, therefore, it is important to face the problem before it ruins an established or a potential bond.
Possible causes of low self-worth
- Self-worth as a construction
Self-worth is a construction since childhood. Self-worth is built at the beginning of life in this fundamental connection with the mother or main care giver. It is determined by the particular place that a baby has within the family.
He or she needs to be in a place of value within the family’s symbolic universe. It is not the same to be “mommy’s doll” as opposed to the “biggest mistake of my life”. Symbolic places are necessary but they are not all the same. These places have nothing to do with love but rather with the particularity of each family structure and history.
When a child does not occupy a place of value in the family’s symbolic world, the child continues with the lack of worth coming from the family of origin. However, as we grow up, it is our responsibility to take care of ourselves and decide the places we want to put ourselves into, even the symbolic ones.
Self-worth is not static, it may evolve or deteriorate with our relationships’ experiences and capacity to learn from them. It is important to consider individual psychotherapy when dealing with lack of self-worth since it refers to a degraded subjective position in life.
- Judgement and severe superego
It is also very common that the superego gets exacerbated and harsh when people were raised in very judgmental environments, with high expectations and poor ability to tolerate mistakes, frustrations or flaws.
People with a harsh superego, have a hard time understanding their limitations and a tendency to aspire to unrealistic perfectionism and expectations. The side effect of this always critical superego is the feeling of failing to rise to the occasion no matter what, and therefore, generating a sense of lack of confidence and poor self-worth.
Usually, people with harsh superegos, are always trying to satisfy the demands of perfection and flawlessness coming from their own superego; however, the more they do to catch up with the expectation, the more tyrannical the superego becomes. Of course, this creates a sense of unworthiness and poor self-confidence.
- Identification with a victimized or unworthy parent
Sometimes, an identification with a parent or caregiver who feels victimized by others or has issues with their own self-image or worth might be the source or one of the sources of lack of self-worth. Identification is one of the many psychological mechanisms human beings have to create and re-create themselves continuously throughout life. However, not all identifications are the same. Some are more beneficial than others and facilitate relationships as well life outcomes.
How lack of self-worth manifests in relationships:
- Constant reassurance seeking or attention seeking
- Suppression of feelings or self-silencing
- Conflict avoidance
- People pleasing behavior
- Jealousy and distrust
- lack of intimacy or sexual inhibitions
- Keeping emotional distance
How lack of self-worth increases relationship anxiety?
- Lack of self-worth in dating
It is hard to date for people lacking self-worth. First of all, they struggle with exposing themselves. Dating implies to show up, to be seen and display all our colors. This is a huge difficulty when people lack self-worth.
Usually, there are also body image struggles with self-worth issues. People think they are too fat or too old or too short, etc. etc. There is a tendency to hide parts of the body, wear a particular kind of clothing or avoid certain settings that require showing more skin like on the beach or the park, for instance.
Some people with low self-confidence doubt themselves too much, to the point where they remove themselves from the scene or decide not to date at all. In some cases, the anxiety of meeting someone, especially if they like the other person a lot, makes people feel paralyzed or overwhelmed by the anxiety and decide to cancel a date at the last minute or not showing up without an explanation.
It is not uncommon to unfold in psychotherapy sessions the thought that it is easier for some to date people whom they do not feel very attractive to. This makes dating less anxiety provoking and manageable as they do not have to confront their own issues.
- Lack of self-worth in sex and intimacy
When people do not feel comfortable in their own skin, they have struggles dealing with sex and intimacy. Being naked and showing the body, especially the unliked parts of the body become an issue. Lack of self-worth and body image issues are important obstacles in sex and intimacy.
Some people wait to have sex with their partner until they feel comfortable enough with them. Some others wear some clothes and do not get totally naked. Some others avoid all kinds of sexual interactions because dealing with the situation is too overwhelming.
Sex creates the chance of physical and emotional closeness. This allows partners to have a sense of togetherness and deep connection. It is part of building this intimacy putting the guards down and being vulnerable which low self-worth makes very anxiety provoking.
- Lack of self-worth in long term relationships
Self-worth issues are definitively an obstacle in long term relationships as well. When somebody believes “they are not worthy” or “not good enough” or “not capable enough”, all their choices and life acts will play around these beliefs.
Lack of self-worth creates anxiety, fear and feelings of insecurity which may lead to being constantly worried about what is coming next in a relationship. Most people with relationship anxiety tends to act out their feelings ending relationships out of fear, staying in bad relationships thinking they cannot do better or enduring great relationships with high levels of anxiety and fears of messing up.
How to deal with the relationship anxiety caused by low self-worth?
When relationship anxiety gets too intense due to our own self-worth issues, it is a must to take some measures. Relationship anxiety does not go away by itself nor does it get easier with time. On the contrary, it might increase, take a different form or displace to different areas of our lives.
It is true that some relationships might provoke more anxiety than others but when someone suffers from lack of self-worth, it has to be worked on, otherwise relationship issues will unfold sooner or later.
I offer Individual psychotherapy sessions to those who want to reach a better position in life, decrease the insatiable super ego’s demands, unknitting unfavorable identifications and reknitting new more beneficial ones. However, it is important to understand that leaving an undervalued symbolic place to gain another of worth takes work, time, and patience as well as softening the superego and undoing identifications.
Psychotherapy is a process in which much needs to be untangled to create a new perspective of oneself and the world. Couple therapy , premarital counseling or marriage counseling may complement individual therapy. Nevertheless, individual sessions are a must when someone is dealing with low self-worth and relationship anxiety.
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